Math Problem Seventeen: The Passion of the Jack
As Bill Clinton arrives at Jack’s home, the earth begins to shake. Church bells begin to toll in the distance - a hollow, threatening sound. The sky is stained a dusky green, the color of unpaid tax dollars. The Majora’s Mask Final Hours Theme begins to play loudly, perhaps produced by some ethereal DJ studio.
As Bill Clinton gets out of his car, Jack begins second guessing himself. Yes, he thinks, I may be the god-emperor of mankind, but does that mean I am the strongest of the gods? Could there be powers in this world older and stronger than mine? Is there a bigger fish?
Jack watches with apprehension as the door’s handle turns and it creaks open. He raises his sword to defend himself, but it is too late. An eldritch blast emanates from Bill Clinton, exerting 285,295 Newtons of force upon Jack’s soul. If Jack’s soul weighs 21.3 grams and is unaffected by friction, both properties souls are widely known to display, how fast will it fly away from his body?
…
The room around Jack vanishes. All he can hear is Bill Clinton’s maniacal laughter and that cursed music. But, the first of these fades away, while the latter grows louder.
Jack sees a tunnel of light, and he knows this isn’t the end. Yet, his heart freezes. After his use of heroin, his piracy, his idolatry of Jimmy Wales, his deception of Death Himself, and his apotheosis in the minds of the people, Jack does not believe the Abrahamic God will allow him to escape judgment for his sins. As he nears the light, he tries desperately to go back, but to no avail.