Jack and his motley crew hear howling up ahead. They see a huge mass of red men with horns and pointed tails stabbing people repeatedly with pitchforks. Yet, he also sees his old friend Kaegan sitting next to them, looking extremely bored.

“Yo, bro!” he says, “Chase and I died because Philip slammed into us going 95 a few years back. We got sent to heck because neither of us were members of Pastor Jim’s Bible Church of East Pensacola! I’ve been in this circle of heck ever since then! This is the circle of heck for people who listen to devil music. Now that they’re dead, the devils are teaching them that Satanism isn’t actually fun and gay, it’s actually very sharp and pointy.”

“But, like dude, why aren’t these dudes poking you?” asks Shaggy.

“Okay bro, lemme explain this,” Kaegan says, “So, every time you listen to a piece of devil music, these fellas poke you with a pitchfork 3.636 times every year. But, I only listened to like one devil song while I was in the car with Chase, so mostly this is just really boring. Chase, on the other hand, listened to 82,756 devil songs over his lifetime. If he was here, how many times would the devils poke him every year?”

“Wait, why isn’t Chase here?” Asks Jack.

Kaegan’s face darkens. “He did something scandalous, and now inhabits the next circle of heck.”

Because Kaegen was being poked so rarely, Philip is able to cleverly free him without them caring.

<== Back to Math Problems Home Page <==