Math Problem Thirty: The Parable of the Horny Man and Shaggerus
Jack and his compatriots hear cries of pain emanating from the next circle of Heck. “Like zoinks dude!" quoth Shaggy. “I don’t know what these dudes did, but it must’ve been pretty bad!”
Then, they finally come upon the most terrifying sight any of them hath seen thus far in Heck. Ahead of them is a boundless room – stretching on in all directions to infinity. Every few feet, there standeth a very large and extremely angry mandrill with riding crop in hand, whacking away at some poor bastard’s backside like there’s no tomorrow.
“Father Philip!” quoth a prisoner, in betwixt his shrieks of pain. “I didst know thee in life! Father Philip, please, send Shaggy hither that he might apply a dab of ointment to my poor, bruised ass. For I am tormented by this apish brute!”
Philip looketh down upon him with righteous indignation.
“Son, this cannot be done. For thou in thy lifetime didst spank the monkey. Now, in death, ’tis the monkey who spanketh thee. Thou wert a perennially single and superlatively horny fellow, and thou lived in a time with top knotch treatment for both tendinitis and carpal tunnel syndrome. Thou didst shuck thy corn 21 times daily, and it was thus for 35 years! How many times didst thou rough up the suspect? For every time thou didst bludgeon thy beefsteak, this monkey shalt bludgeon thee 77 times. Tell me the depth of thy iniquity! Tell me the extent of thy punishment!"
“Fine! Fine!” quoth the horny man. “I pray thee, father, that thou wouldst send Shaggy unto my father’s house! For I have five brethren, all of whom jacketh their beanstalks on the daily. Let him testify unto them lest they also come into this place of torment!”
And Philip said unto him, “They hath Lonnie Childs and stopmasturbationnow.org; let them hear them.”
And the horny man replied, “Nay, father Philip! If one went unto them from the dead, they wouldst repent!”
“Truly I tell thee, if they have not been convinced by Lonnie Childs and stopmasturbationnow.org, they will not repent even if one rises from the dead.
“Besides, I have seen thy brethren’s search history. They shalt enjoy it here, methinks.”