Math Problem Thirty-Eight: Tesla Man - Least of the Archons
At the crack of Philip’s whip, Star in the Morning Sky begins lumbering forwards on her borderline defunct legs. As she reaches 8.8 miles per hour, Jack and his company enter the tunnel of light once more. As they go forward, Jack ceases to be the disembodied ghost he has been, and finds himself arrayed as the god - emperor of mankind once more. His triceps swell, he gains the abs of an anime tomboy, and golden armor covers his body.
“Wait, something’s wrong!” Philip declares with manly yet apprehensive perturbance. “Earth isn’t up ahead! This darned horse is taking us to the moon!”
But, before Philip can stop anything, the tunnel of light vanishes, and the carriage grinds to a halt on solid, firmly material ground. Jack closes his eyes, expecting to die like an imposter thrown out of the airlock. But, he doesn’t. He breathes in and slowly opens his eyes, finding himself still very much alive.
They step outside the carriage to find themselves in a hideous moon base, made entirely of plastic - exactly like every generic spaceship on TV.
“What the hell is going on? Wikipedia doesn’t say anything about there being a base like this on the moon!” says Jimmy Wales.
A strange, A.I. generated cackling sounds behind them. “Ha. Ha. Ha. You are fools.”
Jack turns around wildly and draws his sword, but he only sees an expensive - looking Tesla car. But then, its parts begin shifting into a new form - the form of a huge man made of plastic and steel.
“Like zoinks! It’s a transformer!” Shaggy proclaims.
“Before my augmentation, I was called Elon Musk, and I am the least of the archons. How dare you trespass on my moon base?”
“Wait, this is totally fake!” I say. “How come no one found this place when people went to the moon? There has to be a naturalistic explanation for this.”
“No, no one ever went to the moon. This is where UFOs hail from, and it has been so since the time of the ancient Egyptians. To keep the mortals from discovering them, they were forbidden from coming to the moon.”
Just as I am about to respond, Jimmy Wales jumps into action and begins doing battle with Elon Musk - quoting negative statistics about spaceX and Tesla all the while. The fight is long, hard, and brutal. But, in the end, the African American businessman falls to his knees in subjection.
“No! You may have defeated me, but you cannot defeat the other archons! You are on the road to destruction! All your base are belong to us! The others are gathered at Jeffry Epstein’s island, and they will summon the antichrist in 37 minutes, bringing about the end times. My fastest UFO will get you there in 27 minutes. How long, pray tell, will that leave you to fight them?”