Math Problem Thirty-Six: Two True Scotsmen
The next circle of Heck looks rather peaceful. When Jack first enters it, nothing seems out of the ordinary. He can hear nothing but the soft, quiet breeze, though a part of him thinks someone is humming “The Wheels on the Bus.” All he sees is a pot roasting over a campfire, about which two people are sitting quietly. After a moment, he recognizes them as Shrek and John Duns Scotus.
‘Like zoinks!" exclaims Shaggy. “Shrek, I was your biggest fan! John Duns Scotus, you were incredibly influential on my understanding of the univocity of theological verbiage! What did you guys do to, like, get darned to Heck!?!?!”
“Ah, I’m happy to have shaped ya intellectual formation, laddie!” says John Duns Scotus. “But it ain’t us who got our arses darned to Heck.”
“No laddie,” says Shrek, “we’re true Scotsmen, and the Scots are God’s holy and chosen people. So we got saved despite not being part of Pastor Jim’s Bible Church of East Pensacola.”
“But, aren’t there like, plenty of Scotsmen who get darned to Heck though?”
“No true Scot would ever do such a thing!” declares John Duns Scotus. “He may wear his kilt and read his Glasgow Morning Herald, but he isn’t a true Scotsmen! We are the sole true Scotsmen in history (George MacDonald almost made the cut, but he was far too reasonable for Pastor Jim’s liking). If only two Scotsmen in the history of Scotland were true Scotsmen, and there have been around 700 million Scotsmen in history, what percentage of Scotsmen are truly Scotsmen? Scientific notation may be necessary.”
“Wait a second.” interjects Hayden, as observant as he always is, “If you bros are saved, then who’s in Heck here?”
Shrek’s face darkens. “Ah laddie…it’s the guy in the pot, a sinner so wicked his own circle of Heck was invented to accommodate him!” He picks up a spoon and pulls a screaming rabbit out of the boiling pot.
Soup slides off of its fur, revealing none other than Bugs Bunny. His teeth chatter a couple of times.
“Nyah, what’s up doc?”
“Oh, shut ya carrot hole!” Exclaims Shrek. “Scotus is the only lad here who’s a doctor in anything, and you weren’t even talking to him! Tell these good people what you’ve done.”
“Nyah…Okay doc, if you’re gonna make me…So, like, I dropped anvils on people, and I blew up some people, and I manufactured many things which are forbidden by the Geneva Convention while I worked at ACME Corp.”
‘Fool!" shrieks Shrek, “Tell them the rest, tell them the truth!”
“Nyah…oh yeah…” the rabbit stammers, clearly overwhelmed by the enormity of his guilt. “Once…I shat on a video game reviewer’s face in March of 2011.”
His misdeeds exposed, Shrek casts the reprobate rabbit back into his pot with a growl of disgust. And there he shall remain for ages of ages.