Math Problem Thirty-Three: Chase's Evergaol
Jack and his motley crew walk on into the next circle of Heck, which they know is now home to their old friend Chase. At first, it seems very pleasant. It just looks like a normal bar, though an impeccably clean one.
But then…they see Chase.
He is seated upon one of the bar stools, wide eyed and terrified. A hose is stuck into his mouth, leading up to the beer kegs. He cannot stop consuming the beer, even if he wishes to. He is forced to imbibe it for eons, and this has done bad things to his body. The poor fella now has the figure of a full water balloon, and thank heavens we don’t know what his liver looks like.
“Oh, no!” Declares Philip, with a macho combination of disgust and sorrow. “I now know what happened to this poor, poor fool. Many years ago, he committed a grave sin with no one else ever had - he slandered the German language. He said that it sounded “unpleasant” and “shitty” and all sorts of other things. Now, for his offense against the Reich, he is forced to guzzle every last ounce of beer produced by the German nation since its foundation. If every German man, woman, and child produces 10,827 gallons of beer per month (as is common knowledge) and Germany was unified in 1871, how many gallons of beer were there for Chase to drink in 2023? Worse than this, however, is that he must pay for it all. Truly I tell you, he will not get out until he pays the last penny.”
They think about freeing Chase, but it turns out that Shaggy is Jewish. Therefore, he considers Chase’s antisemitic remarks deeply offensive. At his behest, they elect to leave Chase to his ghastly fate.