Math Problem Twenty-Three: Whatever ya say, Boomer
Having moved beyond purgatory and Limbo, Jack, Philip, and Shaggy head down into Heck itself. At first, they appear to be on the side of a normal river. But then, Jack realizes that there are large, anthropomorphic fish and crawdads sitting on the shore, fishing for people swimming around in the water.
“Uh sir,” Jack asks one of them, “what’s going on?”
“Well, this is the first circle of Heck. The first few circles aren’t for sins people have individually committed, but rather generational sins they have inherited. This circle of Heck is where unrepentant boomers are eternally punished. In life, they fished for us, so now we fish for them.” As he finishes, the fish puts a 1960s – era nudie mag on the hook and casts it out into the water.
“Yo, that’s some, like, real gnarly bait bro!” Shaggy says. “What else ya got?”
“We have a total of 17,041 pieces of bait.” The fish says. “26% are nudie mags, 14% are Beatles albums, 27% are Vietnam war memorabilia, 13% are parts of classic cars, and 20% are tie-dye shirts.”
“But like, I wanna know the raw numbers dude.”
“You’ll just have to do the math yourself!”
Just as Shaggy gets his notebook and pen out, a boomer latches onto a Vietnam war protest sign, and is pulled screaming out of the water. With cruel glee, the fish haul out a boom box.
“Oh hello Evans, I’m so happy to see you again.” The fish says with a cruel smile. “We’re gonna make you listen to that newfangled whippersnapper music now!”
The boomer screams, but his cry is cut off by a blaring Tekashi69 song. Jack and his companions cover their ears in pain, but it isn’t enough to save them.