Math Problem Eighteen: Paradiso
Jack has finally gotten to the end of the tunnel of light, and now he sees the pearly gates before him. The breathtaking display of heavenly glory is only dampened by an angry-looking Middle Eastern man in a toga.
“Hey, newly deceased sinner, get ready to be judged!” He hollers at Jack. “I’m Saint Peter, and your arse is about to find out real fast whether it’s destined for eternal darnnation in Heck or heavenly bliss!”
He pauses to go through his notes. “You named Jack?” He asks.
“Yeah.” Jack says.
“Well, newly deceased sinner, looks like you do stand guilty of plenty of sins against God and man. And you never was a member of Pastor Jim’s Bible Church of East Pensacola, outside of which there is no salvation.
“But, it’s your lucky day, because the Lord needs you to go on a mission for him. See, when you was on earth, you kept the powers of darkness in check. But, now that you’re gone all the archons stand completely unopposed! (You know, Bill Clinton, Klaus Schwab, Joe Biden, Jeff Bezos, that bunch?) If nothing is done to stop them, they will summon the antichrist in 38 minutes.
“In order to stop them, you must enlist the aid of two souls you knowed when you was alive. One of ‘em is waiting for ya down in Limbo, but the other is languishing in the deepest, darkest pit of Heck. Once you’ve freed both of them, you will be returned to earth to do battle with them Powers and Principalities.”
“Wait a second!” Jack exclaims “How do you expect me to get through the whole bad section of the afterlife in 38 minutes?”
“Oh brotha, don’t worry about that. Time passes differently here in the afterlife. For every second that passes down on earth, a three leap years pass up here. Just do the math yourself! You’ve got plenty of time!”