Intermission 3: A Cat that Really is Gone
Jack and his friends now come to Satan’s throne room in the city of Pandaleerium, which was built to guard the gates of Heck against darned souls seeking to escape. But, Satan’s throne is empty. Beside it stands the goat demon Baphomet, who looks rather tired.
“What happened to Satan, man? I was looking forward to whipping his ass!” says Philip.
Baphomet sighs. “Well, see, the left is right, Satan is actually Donald Trump. Since all of us demons are Democrats, we got a bit perturbed when he decided to run as a Republican, but at first it wasn’t anything serious. Then, Beelzebub decided to get us Twitter and cable news down here, and we truly learned the depths of his depravity. As his drinking and lusting and his hunger for power became known to more and more demons, the demands to do something about this outrageous man grew louder and louder. So, eventually, we threw him out.”
“Oh, so like, are you going to do anything to stop us from leaving Heck?”
“Nah, we’re too tired. There ain’t no coffee in Heck. There’s a carriage over there that can take you back to the mortal world. It’s pulled by a haggard, undead mare named Star in the Morning Sky (cause horse owners name their animals horrible names like that).”
So, Jack and his friends pile into the carriage and return to the mortal world and do battle with the archons.