Math Problem Thirty-One: The Hivemind
Before the gate to the next circle of Heck, there stands a morbidly obese titan, one large enough to blow the square cube law to smithereens. Upon his head is a fedora, upon his face, a neckbeard. And, upon his chest is a stained “I FUCKING LOVE SCIENCE!” t-shirt. His body exudes a stench potent enough to strike down the nations and his armpits are darkened by sweat. His mouth ever whispereth words of blasphemy and the smoke of his cannabis asendeth forever.
βLike ZOINKS dude!β Exclaims Shaggy. βWho, like, are you dude?β
The giant turns toward him with malice in its eyes. βWe are the Reddit. We are LEGION.β
βOh. How, like, are you doing?β
It cackles β a painful, bone chilling sound. βIn this moment, we are euphoric! Not because of any phoney Godβs blessing, but because we are enlightened by our own intelligence!" At this, he breaks out into more hideous laughter, as though to demonstrate just how euphoric he is.
βWithin us are the souls of all people who have ever made a Reddit account. Joining Reddit is so heinous that the moment a person does it, his soul is sucked down into Heck to be absorbed into us! His body is left behind to be possessed by demons – nasty, ugly things." He breaks out into more loathsome cackling, punctuated by a horrible noise in the back his throat, much like a cat coughing up hairballs.
At last, he catches his breath. “Granted, this isn’t as impressive as it sounds because 74% of all Reddit accounts are bots, and every Redditor has 17 accounts, 16 to upvote his comments & one for porn. If there are 430 million accounts, how many are owned by real people? How many people used Reddit before joining us? What percentage of Reddit accounts are bots? What percentage are for porn?
Immediately after the giant finishes speaking, Philip jumps into action and pulverises him. We, however, are still left to ponder his questions.