“No, your honor, I didn’t really mind that she got the kids. What pushed me over the edge is how she took the air fryer.”

“Your honor, I know the light was red, but I only turned the right way.”

“Your honor, you don’t understand. I did all the drinking before I started driving.”

“Your honor, have a little respect! I spent six months working on that thing. Calling it an ‘improvized’ explosive is just insulting.”

“Your honor, I assure you that he put those cement shoes on his own feet, shot himself in the back of the head, and leapt into the lake of his own accord.”

“Your honor, I am innocent by reason of insanity. You would be too if you had to live with him.”

“Your honor, I won’t pretend I didn’t buy five hundred pounds of fertilizer. But you’ve gotta believe me, it just tastes that good!”

“Your honor, I assure you I was only driving one way.”

“Your honor, I know I’m on the no - fly list, but I was clearly wearing basketball shorts.”

“Your honor, I’m not a paranoid schizophrenic. The voices made that much clear!”

“Oh no, your honor, the person on that ID is clearly me. I was just heavier then. And had a beard. And was five years older.”

“No, your honor, I’m not a lone shark. It’s merely coincidence that all of my customers break their knee caps.”

“Your honor, it wasn’t underage drinking. That child is 21 months old!”