Billius Lee is an opinionated relative of yours. Having dropped out of college forty years ago, he knows everything there is to know about higher education. Soon you’ll strike out on your own, bags in your car and Dixie Chicks in your earbuds, so he’s chosen this time to teach you how to spice up your college application.

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1.) Refuse to take standardized tests. Standardized tests are a scam forced upon us by the College Board to make more money. By taking them, you are dignifying this evil system. It’s not like they’re that important anyway, colleges don’t really care that much about your academic performance in the first place.

2.) Choose your admissions essay as the time for a principled stand against social - desirability bias. People write their admissions essays in a complicated language of lies and half truths. This makes you seem slimy and it violates your principles! So, don’t do it! Instead of saying “I joined the underwater marble stacking club out of my great passion for the subject,” say “I need to convince you I’m a well - rounded person.” Instead of saying “I spent a gap year traveling because I wanted to see the world,” say “I wanted to have sex with Europeans.” You get the picture!

3.) Mention your extremist political views. Colleges just love it when young people take a stand on the controversial issues, right?

4.) Put your mom down as your only character reference. Parents are the most objective sources of information about their children, and colleges all know this. Besides, your mom is well known among college recruiters and most have fond memories of her.

5.) Humorously respond to texts from colleges. The random texts you get from colleges are all sent by bots, and an actual human being will never read your response. So, why not have a little fun and write something humorous, like “did you really think I want to live in a third world country like Alabama?” or “Shut the hell up Chloe ion wanna attend yo bum ass school.”