Gomer Schmid is the submissive wife of Jebediah Schmid and stay at home mother of 17 children. She previously worked part - time manufacturing essential oils and knee - length denim skirts. But then, Jebediah was laid off, forcing Gomer to resign out of a fear that being the family’s breadwinner would compromise male headship. Thankfully for the Schmids’ finances, Jebediah was recently able to snag a job as a youth pastor, in which role he lures teenagers into the Kingdom of God with the help of pizza and donuts.

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The Kabal just keeps runnin’ public schools into the ground, so a load of you people have been thinkin’ about homeschooling your full Quivers. Sadly, SATAN personally runs several Websites which dispense unhelpful, spiritually DANGEROUS, and downright LIBERAL advice about this subject. To combat this BROOD of VIPERS, I have been RAISED UP to set the Record straight. If you follow my Dictates, along with establishing a HEDGE OF PROTECTION around your homestead, Satan will NOT be able to get your little darlins.

1.) Whatever you do, don’t send them to a co - op. Co - ops are these glorified public school things, things where you send your OWN CHILDREN to be taught by STRANGERS! For all you know, this person might be a Satanist. Or, Heaven forbid, a Democrat! I have also seen co - ops were the young REBEL AGAINST Nature, places where girls wear pants, dye their hair vile Colors, and have the gall to Drive themselves to school.

2.) Be WATCHFUL about the textbooks you give your Quiver. Naturally, you will want to avoid any and all of those humanist, public school textbooks. But, many “““Christian””” textbooks are scarce better. I have seen biology textbooks which use evolutionary assumptions, art books which contain pornographics, and history books which misname the War of Northern Aggression!

3.) Let your little darlins learn at their own pace. Deadlines put a damper on the natural, care - free state of your children. It’s far better to let them roam out into the cornfields and learn whatever they want at their own pace. This will do wonders for their academic performance.

4.) Stringently vet your children’s playmates. When children reach a certain age, many of them wish to venture out of your homestead and befriend others. Though it may not be ideal, this is not an Evil in and of itself. However, you must make sure they do not Ensnare themselves in the World. I have seen many a children dragged Astray by the vile Machinations of a worldly, humanist toddler.

5.) Inject my essential oils into your Quiver’s arms. As is common knowledge, the Kabal puts many chemicals into the drinking water designed to turn your children into homophile Satanists. The best way to counteract this Satanic attack is to inject my essential oils into your little darlins’ bodies. It will also decalcify their penial gland, satisfaction guaranteed.