Jeb Smutty is a 14 year old middle school student in Fort Worth, Texas, where he spends his days watching anime, browsing Reddit, and making life hell for his older sister, Kristie. Despite his young age, Smutty has gained quite a reputation for exacerbating technical difficulties all across the internet. When we decided to host an article about computers, we knew he was just the man for the job. With the Oxford Dictionary of Zoomer Slang in hand, our resident paleographer was able to translate several more obscure phrases into oldspeak for the benefit of readers over 30.

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Hey fellas, I’m Mister Smutty, but you can call me Smut for short. Everyone does.

There are a bunch of people out there who don’t know how to use computers in 2023, so I’m here to help out.

1.) When your computer gets hot, throw it into the nearest lake. This is called “water cooling,” and all serious PC users use it.

2.) Don’t buy cooling at all. Sometimes, cooling just gets expensive. Just using the cooler that comes with your CPU might make you a cheap wuss, so I had to buy my own high - falutin’ one. That got me a hundred dollars in debt to my mean older sister, and my parents, like, expect me to pay her back or something. Don’t be like me, just don’t use no cooling at all. You’ll be fine. Probably. Don’t @me.

3.) Install PC Optimizer Pro. PC Optimizer Pro is, like, the best app ever. It detects all of these viruses no other programs are able to and then lets you get rid of them for a fair price.

4.) Give websites access to any and all permissions they request. Hell yeah that weird porn site needs your camera! Why would they ask for it if they didn’t need it?

5.) Add RGB lighting to your PC build. RGB lighting is gorgeous, and it’s also both quick and easy to add to your build. More importantly, in a similar way to how putting stickers on race cars makes them go vroom faster, RGB lighting can improve the processing speed of a PC by several orders of magnitude.

6.) Plug your monitor into your CPU rather than your graphics card. This will keep your GPU from overheating. I’ve been doing this for months and it works fine, I can even get 10 FPS in Skyrim!

7.) Use TempleOS. Windows, Linux, and Mac may be good at all, but their creation wasn’t literally mandated by God. TempleOS’s was. ‘Nuff said.

8.) Scrape the pins off the bottom of your CPU. The pins on the bottom of your CPU tickle your motherboard and make it sneeze, which is why my PC started emitting smoke yesterday. Best nip that problem in the bud and get rid of those damn pins.

9.) Download more RAM. On God, if your computer is slow, you better do this. One cannot simply download too much RAM. Kristie thinks this is stupid, but that’s because she’s a MORON!

10.) Bash your PC over and over with a large metal clock. This is called “overclocking,” and it does wonders for performance.

12.) Download things from shady websites. It’s a well - known fact that AI - generated websites which look like they were made in the 90s are the best places to find software. That and the ads you get at the top of Google search results!

13.) Collect dust specifically to feed into your PC. Everyone has to eat, and computers are no exception. For me, this might mean eating Pizza and drinking Mnt Dew, but for computers it means eating dust. To feed your computer dust, sweep some up into a dustpan, take your computer’s panel off, and throw it all in.