Dr. Jim Stanford is a well - known chiropractor and Scientologist, as well as the co - founder of Carl Robinson’s Association for Pediatric Studies. He was the only person with a “Dr.” next to their name who was willing to write something for us, so we’re stuck with him.

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I’m Dr. Jim Stanford (PhD), and I have some alarming news for you. Almost 100% of people who die in house fires were not following my sleeping advice. The verdict of science is clear - whether or not you follow this simple five step program could be a matter of life and death. So, read carefully.

1.) If you see a toilet in a dream, use that fella. Toilet use in dreams has a long and prestigious history, dating back to the times of the ancient Greeks. They believed that if you used a dream toilet, upcoming lottery numbers would be miraculously revealed to you. I can tell you this works from personal experience.

2.) Never change your sheets. Cleaning your sheets is just so … unnatural. It drives away natural wonders like lice and body odor! How could anyone want that?

3.) Ponder the deep questions of life while you try to sleep. How do we know anything at all? Is there a God? Does Becky want to sleep with you or is she just being nice? These questions and others have fascinated and confounded philosophers for centuries, and there’s no better time to think about then than while you’re a half - sleeping, melatonin drenched mess.

4.) Cook recipes revealed to you in dreams. The ancestral spirits occasionally reveal recipes to people while deep in sleep. They are always delicious, cheap, and filled with vitamins!

5.) Attempt to sleep in a large American city. Large American cities are the most lovely sleeping locales of them all. The musical sounds of noisy machinery, people yelling, and gun violence will lull you to sleep, guaranteed.