This post is guest – written by Lester Phelps. Phelps is a burgeoning TikTok star and professional social media influencer. Since his rise to stardom last Tuesday, Phelps has helped at least three men just like you get laid, or so he claims on the ‘about’ section of his YouTube page. He lives in his parents’ basement in Boston, where he enjoys drinking Mountain Dew and browsing 4chan with the love of his life, a Sailor Moon bodypillow.

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Whether it’s because of soy or feminism or the fluoride in the drinking water, it seems like men these days just struggle to find the girl they deserve. That’s where ya boi Lester comes in. Informed by ten years of personal experience browsing various online message boards, I have created this ten point program to help any man attract the girl of his dreams.

1.) Refrain from showering and using deodorant. There’s no greater aphrodisiac for women than the pheromones coming off of an unwashed male body. Many people continue to deny this (despite the overwhelming evidence) because the corporate media has been bribed by big shampoo to produce pro-shower propaganda.

2.) Stand outside of her window at 3:00 AM while yodeling and flapping your arms like a pigeon. Running around in circles, being naked, and having downed a keg of beer beforehand all help. To put the cherry on the top, occasionally let out a storkish mating call. I have had more success with this method than any other.

3.) Put up attraction signs all over town. An attraction sign is a small poster which informs women what you’re about. It should have some information about yourself and then list everything important you’re looking for in a woman: maximum tolerable BMI, desired bra size, hair color, etc. Before his transformation into a lesbian goddess, the noted stud Christian Weston Chandler employed this strategy with great success.

4.) Brag about how big your pockets are to her in order to assert dominance. Women, as is well – known, have pockets whose length and width are measured in planck units. Sometimes they just need a little reminder of this to put them in their place. Somehow, doing this will make them want to have sex with you. We’re still in the dark as to why.

5.) Send her dick pics. If there’s one thing women love, it’s receiving grainy images of your penis, preferably with captions such as “You want a piece of this!?!?!?” or “HERE”S JOHNNY!1!11” This trait evolved among women during the Pliocene. People were less progressive then, so pornography was illegal. If you were caught distributing it, the tribal elders would throw shit at you. Taking that risk made you rebellious, bold, and zesty. Either that or you just wanted people to throw shit at you, which also makes the girls go wild.

6.) Become a Discord moderator. Though often unfairly maligned, Discord moderators are incredibly effective with the ladies. This is largely because of our unique body type and well – regarded manners.

7.) Remember that she’s hypergamous. Students of female nature have known this for a long time. It means that chicks are into guys who are super hyper. So, if you wanna attract a girl, you should chug about a gallon of coffee and about that much adderall. You should also make sure to get your COVID vaccine, because those give people ADHD. Don’t get the boosters though, because they cause autism. Women don’t like that.

8.) Send her lots of incoherent text messages for no reason. Women just love spam, preferably spam that don’t make a lick of sense. They are thought to have evolved this trait during the Pliocene, when people accessed the internet via a configuration of stone knives and bear skins known as ‘dial up.’ It was really, god - awfully slow, so if a man was willing to send several books worth of incoherent DMs, it meant that he was really dedicated. Either that or he just didn’t have anything better to do, which women also love in a man.

9.) Invent a disgusting pet name for her. This behavior is often associated with couples who have been together for some time, and is reported to be especially prevalent among newlyweds. But, you don’t have to save your pet names for marriage! You don’t even have to wait until she knows you name! What could make a woman love you more than being called your fuzzy wuzzy love lobster all day long?

10.) Use pickup lines. Pickup lines have a long and storied history of success. They were invented by the Wright Brothers, who could often be found asking women “Hey, baby, you wanna join the ten foot high club?” While this was certainly not as refined as the modern pickup line, it is notable for historical reasons. Nowadays, researchers have gotten pickup lines down to an exact science; making the world aware of gems like “Are you a toaster? because I want to take a bath with you.” and “I heard you were into antiques, and I’ve got some junk that hasn’t been touched in ages.” Many others of similar effectiveness can be found on the internet, and they’ll make you a stub overnight.