This post is guest - written by Zippity O’Neil, who has gained much notoriety as a collector of DUIs and parking tickets. Zippity lives in Birmingham, Alabama, where he can regularly be found borrowing money from loan sharks in order to pay his car insurance bills.

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Hey, y’all, name’s Zippity, and I’m gonna learn you the right way to drive them cars. And I ain’t talking about that BS they teach youngins out them driving schools - I’m talking about the real deal. You follow them’s advice, and you’ll be one of them sheep who drives below the speed limit. You listen to my ten step program, and you’ll be a certified ʀᴏᴀᴅᴡᴀʀʀɪᴏʀ - unchallenged ruler of the highway.

1.) Cuss at other drivers. Look out at all those SOBs around you - having the audacity to be there all over your road, getting you stuck in traffic, driving around in their ugly - ass smartcars, cutting you off. It just makes me sick. Most of us suppress our disgust at them, but you shouldn’t. Mamma ain’t listening and you ain’t in no church, so give into your anger. Work yourself up into a frenzy of spiritual excitement, like that of a Pentecostal minister speaking in tongues.

2.) Collect catalytic converters from your fallen enemies. If you’re a good ʀᴏᴀᴅᴡᴀʀʀɪᴏʀ, then you’ll have rammed into many sissy smartcars. Usually there ain’t nothing of value to salvage from them, but every so often you can salvage a catalytic converter and make bank.

3.) Throw turtle shells at cars in front of you. This is a trick invented by a noted Italian ʀᴏᴀᴅᴡᴀʀʀɪᴏʀ. Though any turtle shells will work fine, blue ones are ideal.

4.) Drink while you’re driving. I’ll tell you a little secret, child. After you’s been driving for a while, it just stops being that hard. But, a true ʀᴏᴀᴅᴡᴀʀʀɪᴏʀ never takes the easy path, so you’ll need something to add another degree of difficulty. This is where alcohol comes in.

5.) Give coppers the bird. I swan, coppers are the most exasperating sons of bitches on God’s flat earth! They’ll take some random, unassuming guy, pull him over, and take away his licence because I was going 95 in the suburbs of Mobile!

6.) Put controversial bumper stickers on your car. You can’t just be driving around like one of them sheeple who don’t wanna offend nobody - you’re the dad - burn ʀᴏᴀᴅᴡᴀʀʀɪᴏʀ! You’ve gotta piss off those other fellas. They’re on your road so they deserve it! Best way to do this is to put as many offensive bumper stickers on your car as possible! Put a Confederate flag there, put one up about black power, add a little something - something about gay people … you get the picture.

7.) Ignore check engine lights. Check engine lights were put there by the insurance companies to get you to take your car in more often than it needs. They’re just useless!

8. Remember you always have the right of way. Them “teachers” of driving in this world want you to believe that you don’t always have the right of way. Who the hell do they think they are? You’re the ʀᴏᴀᴅᴡᴀʀʀɪᴏʀ for Heaven’s sake! This is your road!

9.) Remember that you are a sovereign citizen. This is a good thing to bring up when coppers come after you. The government is actually a bankrupt corporation, and you don’t owe them nothing.

10.) Piss into your gas tank. This is a great way to way to avoid having to pay for or siphon gas, at least if you’ve followed step four regularly enough.